Wednesday, June 10, 2009
heelo! i am typing out my emo story. but you must see the original cream paper (which my mum stole from Ritz Carlton Hong Kong) to see the AWESOMESHIZZ drawings. Well at least I think so. After all, I drew them O_o(O-O)
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that is a random picture by the way, to make up for the doodles that can't be seen here.
disclaimer: this is based on a true story. It has been edited quite a bit from the original version which you might not find as entertaining seeing as it mentions people you might not know and other inexplicable reasons. Also, the tense is not consistent. The word 'useless' appears a lot because its the way i feel most strongly.
Useless I thought. Useless... you're so utterly useless
I was speaking to myself. My depressed, stupid, useless, limp self who'd never known that polishing boots could be so...
Ugh
Demoralising.
It brought my mind back to every other time I'd failed. It reminded me of those exam papers I dreaded giving to my parents. all those times i didn't understand something when everyone else did. All the negative adjectives wanted to rush to my lips. stupid girl, fool, useless reject, ugly joke, did you ever think you'd be worth something to anyone? something worth more than a grain of sand in the sea?
___
I had first taken out an old bottle of Kiwi© Liquid Shoe Polish. And when I say old, I mean Old with a capital O. The sponge wasn't a sponge anymore, it was caked with dried polish and compressed, cracking. In fact so much of it had already cracked off that 1cm of the little stick at the top was visible.
One hand on my boot, I rubbed the end of the stick on the toe of the boot.
What else could i do? If I rubbed the boot with the black... ex-sponge instead, it would probably crack off.
Absolutely Nothing happened.
I tried the ex-sponge...
It cracked off.
my boots were shiniest before I ever started shining them I thought somewhat bitterly.
I squeezed the bottle again. BLORT. A puddle of black appeared on my boot-and on the wooden floor. I grab loads of tissues and rub, rub, rub untill the grey-brown stain disappears. Even now, i want to give up and get someone professional to polish them for me like Synthdi said. But I know I can't, I press on, unrelenting though I am not sure the results will be any more satisfactory than if I didn't polish them at all.
Out comes Sundays' lifestyle, a small pail of water, the solid shoe polish and a brush. I try every combination of liquid and non-liquid, brush and newspaper, rub/brush hard or lightly and with more or not so much polish... But although the liquid polish makes me feel better because its shiny before it dries up, it becomes dull again as it dries. I attempt a liquid plus water solution, but...
Results?
Absolutely Nothing, Again.
Frustrated, I rub everything away with my finger with surprising pressure. Flashbacks start to come to my mind. My senior asking me if I have polished my boots, because they don't look shiny enough, even though I have. Everything I've ever tried to do with all of my heart and failed horribly and I feel so
yeah, you guessed it.
useless.
so useless, I can't even think of a synonym for 'useless'.
I mean, how pathetic is that!
The only part I've never 'shined' on my boot is the tip of the tongue. So why does it look shinier than any other part? seriously, I think if I had never bothered to shine my shoes no one would have noticed. Well maybe they would, but its still better than making them duller, right? And then being seen as pathetic for wasting time on trying and trying instead of asking someone to show me how to do it!
I feel like crying. the thing is, why am I the only one who can't do it? am I really such a failure? Even when i do what they tell me to, nothing happens.
When all the polish is wiped off with my now greyish finger, they look shinier... but not good enough, definitely. Where all the wrinkles are, the leather is no longer shiny. How could I actually believe the thing on the tin which said it shines and nourishes the shoe when it does neither?
and so there I sat in a heap of helplessness having spent hours on this and accomplished nothing at all except to get my boots looking as if they were... well, new, except not so shiny.
but what can I do? I'm too stupid. I'm too useless. If anything, I'm too lucky. If I hadn't been plonked in the GEP maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible compared to everyone else.
its not that I don't like them, its just that i feel small, and insignificant, and scared, and depressed, and too stupid to make use of the rule that says 'no commas before And', and
Useless.
Another disclaimer: this story was based on true feelings.
and as I am typing this out I am still scared of what my seniors will say when they see my boots at June camp.
You'll be lucky if you see me at school on the 29th.
x_x
Patey blogged at 6/10/2009 11:05:00 AM
